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Rocket 360 / Photo By Sam Butt
So check it out. In the past months, weeks, days, whatever, I’ve been looking at a lot of edits that come out on the web from what I would call the fourth generation of street skaters. And when it comes to generations I look at it like this: Rollerblading has been around for how ever long ,but the “progressive street skating” aspect had to arise from somewhere. That particular “somewhere” in my mind started with the likes of Eisenberg, Edwards, Brooke, B Smith, etc. Then the second generation of dudes progressing shit was Julio, Shima, Latimer, Petty, etc. Then came my generation, which includes Broskow, Farmer, Fish, Haffey etc. And I don’t think a lot of people would argue that, so let’s just move this monkey show along and talk about the fourth generation.
There has never been a human being born who didn’t have more than one name. We are all many different people to the many different people we encounter. And as a collective community of many different people who all share the same passion for rollerblading, I think it’s fucking fantastic rollerblading is actually starting to get differently cool.
Don’t twist it either; this isn’t a motivational speech or something to get all proud about. But it’s about time this community turned on the light in the attic, used some brain, and got some attitude.
In the past, especially around the turn of the new millennium, there was so much fucking garbage coming out. Every dude looked the same, skated the same shit, and tried to do the same tricks. It was a beat and unexciting time for rollerblading.
This coffee’s too strong and I’m too sober. Life’s got ahold of me again, in the form of a 5’9’’ brunette with big tits and, oh no, a sense of humor… or so she thinks. A bar babe, a total bro-nette, and I, deep with wine and whiskey, and wearing a cape with my friend Captain C. Clairvoyance and his new black pal Tat’d Tony — right off the streets and out of the gutter — asking for change, any and all. All he could get out of us was a drink, and we, well, we’d get his conversation. What does a black man with face tats and a leather cowboy hat think? Much less think about rollerblading?
I’m coughing up blood again. Hold on, I’m going to have a cigarette.
I was on my way home from the bank. I’d just deposited seven whole dollars when my stomach started acting up, calling for attention. “If you won’t feed me, I’ll f*ck you.” It started tightening and contracting, twisting, squeezing any life left within into a potential spray and splatter. I didn’t have long, I had to do something. I started to hurry. I saw the sign of the time, “no public restroom” in every direction. “For paying customers only”… I hurried my pace. The cool coffee shop was crowded with cuties, surely they’d hear the splash down, the thud and thunk of turds. I sped up past the shop and around the corner…
Bittercold has come and gone and everyone is still bitter and showing no signs of giving up, and who could blame them? Most of us are paying for that misadventure in one way or another. The memories certainly aren’t paying for my upcoming credit card bill, and all my funny money went to bus tickets, past hi-jinks, and generally to guzzle away the memories of my manic mayhem from that weekend. Nothing is what it is, and there is always another story to tell. My condolences to the winners and us losers, we should of had some consolation prize, something to ease the moody blues from Monday through March. You turn eighteen, get a job, get a degree, or go into plastic’s debt, and it ain’t a bad place to be for a few years. Until it becomes your student loan and you’ve learned too much about rollerblading, life, and now learn how to pay for it. If you want to make it in rollerblading, sign the dotted line and you can buy tickets to paradises where you smoke cheap, drink cheap, eat ramen, double cheeseburgers, and learn; that nothing is free, the couch you sleep on is the grave you dug. Detroit was a reminder of the times I’ve traveled and a reminder of a price tag still to be paid.
Detroit crack rock city has been the focus of every egocentric thought in our industry this week. It’s become a big axe wound and somehow everyone is hurting, and piecing the puzzling pussy blackout back together with misinformation, hints about heroes, and CLUE — it was Chuck Haffey in the skate park with a prototype. Right? Wrong? Who knows? BCSD is an amazing event, a brotherhood, and a hobby. There’s going to be heroes and there will be an axis of evil judges, but truly the thing that really sucks about BCSD is that it ends. It leaves a hangover so sharp, you have to go back to reality, work, and school, and girlfriends, and without a daily network you can really bond with. Back at home you’re just a black sheep, you can’t nod and know they know what’s up. It’s a lifestyle, a short weekend, and once a year, and that’s why BCSD really sucks.
With less than a week until the tenth annual Bitter Cold Showdown in lovely (read: fucking freezing) Michigan, I can barely keep my ass in a chair. So let’s make this quick.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is three days late — but a solo mission to Berlin for Winterclash sorta interrupted our regular schedule. So get over it! Here’s Krans’ latest batch of online musings on what other sites are posting and what you should be thinking about heading into Bitter Cold. Speaking of which, see you all in two weeks. — ONE
Stop, rant, and roll! This week Krans brings us some questionable blade ‘news’ regarding Shaq, adds perspective to the many digs at blading taking place in the swelling social network blogosphere, shares ways to spread blading, finds an edit that didn’t drown in a sea of hate when it hit the news sites, and realizes, thanks to Winterclash, that rollerblading is far from dead. But then you already knew that, right? — ONE
Can you believe it’s been over seven months? Well, another week, another look at both the inspirational and idiotic rumblings of online bladerhood. Get the rundown on why you HAVE to make it to one of the blade events in February, Xsjado announcing their newest pro, getting over the FML mentality, a wag of the finger at drunk divers, and more in this latest dose of verbal venom from our man by the bay. — ONE
After last week’s shit storm of blade-bashing, Krans brings haters of all sorts to task, with the full-force of four-lettered profanity and amusing anecdotal reference — which is sort of his thing. But, as WEB ROLL continues to prove, sometimes there’s things that just need to be said. This week is no exception. — ONE
I wanted to call his one “Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading,” but I guess that name is already taken.
I came up with the idea after drinking a fifth of the Beam and smoking half a pack of Pall Malls. Then I tried stealing Ivan’s car while he was sleeping, failed to find his keys, put on my blades, skated to the Castro, looked for a transvestite hooker, offered he/she or she/he fifty bucks to drop trou just so I could point and go, “Eww.”
That’s when I realized I didn’t have $50. I later awoke up on someone’s couch. It smelled of two decades of dried farts and a long, Viagra-fueled weekend of giz.
Either way, I saw some blading shit on the Internet this week. Wrote a column about it. Like to read it? Here it go…
Sometimes my impatience borderlines a handicap. So, I’ve decided to not wait for ONE to come up with the democratically-decided Skater of the Year Award. However, one award for the whole year seems a bit lazy, so here is an amassing of people I think should deserve some recognition for what they did in 2009…
(And to clarify, these awards do not reflect the thoughts or opinions of the ONE editorial board. They were decided solely by me, Brian Krans, in an attempt to show some respect and/or be funny.)
I spent too much of this week working and getting inappropriately drunk, so I have no clue what was going on in the blading world. Well, less than usual. So, I rant…
All your holiday spirit, wants, likes, loves, and disappointment is wrapped up with a verbal bow by your lyrical laureate, Brian Krans. Here’s another present you can rip into without fear of leaving scraps on your mom’s floors or finding another sweater from your Aunt Lucy. Enjoy! — ONE
The holiday spirit (panic?) and a major snowstorm may have you dreaming of sugarplums and new blade gear in your stocking, but Krans is busy finding new and unusual ways to rant about blading. This week amongst carpet skating, Shred Till You’re Dead sections, and bizarre presents he braves the turgid waters of online discussion regarding gender equality in blading. “Chicks, man?” Indeed. Read on. — ONE
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we’re a day late getting Krans’ latest foray into the blade-o-sphere up onto the web for eager eyes, but life happens. Which is saying more than a little about this week’s topics: pint-sized interviewers, badger-surfing babies, some discourse about online “debate,” and the latest-breaking news item that is sure to have you thinking “2010!” — ONE
Given the ass-ripping Krans laid down the past two weeks, we figured he’d have reached maximum velocity and be due for a flame-out. Wrong. With his web-scouring and mega-bitching skills in place, here’s a piece of what’s on Krans’ mind this week. — ONE
In celebration of the Thanksgiving holiday, Krans takes the time to thank some of the basic, fundamental elements that make rollerblading even possible. Join us with this unlikely rundown while you finish digesting that glut of turkey and stuffing you jammed down your gullet over the past two days. — ONE
Six months of doing this and I think I’ve earned a little space to rant more than usual, so I use it for revolving door-bitching topics. So, I’ll be the guy on the right and let you readers be the guy on the left…
Watch out! Krans is shooting from the hip this week and you’re bound to get clipped. From litigiousness as a road to riches for bladers, Arlo ranting and people ranting about Arlo, and the upside to being unemployed, Krans has your week-in-blading wrap right here. — ONE
Okay, so the zombie hoax thing must have blown over since Krans is back in the saddle, again, (with respects, Steve Tyler) delivering a dose of WEB ROLL. This week brings lots of video and more than a little praise for Footage Tape. There’s also something about liners with teeth, shredding in houses, and some event that went down in Vegas(?). Guess you’ll just have to read it. — ONE
Sounds like some hectic times are ahead for Krans, but while he wrangles with the legal implications of being involved with the creation of a bogus (obviously) zombie epidemic, you can get a sordid glimpse into the online world of blading in this week’s WEB ROLL. It may be a couple days late, but as Brian pointed out in his title, Everyone’s in Vegas anyway. (Except him!) — ONE
If you’ve ever gone anywhere near a blade message board, then you’ve probably been exposed to the Mamba phenomenon. His search for what some may call a fictitious product knows no bounds. And this week it’s just one of the blade-o-sphere goings-on that came across Krans’ screen. Thought you knew about board-rage at the skateparks? Read the rest to see just how wrong you are… — ONE
Besides dissing the “Save Rollerblading” post that accompanies the phony photo above, lamenting missing the Hoedown, and paying respects to a fallen roller, Krans delivers that thing he does. Now do your part and read it. — ONE
Krans sent this in with a note that he thought it might not make any sense. Hence the self-appointed title. But with some commentary on “Whip It” and other instances of blading creeping up in mainstream channels and how we can benefit from it with open minds, dude is right on the money. Preach on brother Krans! Educate the masses. We know you will next week too. — ONE
Hey everyone, sorry this week’s WEB ROLL is a couple days late. Life sorta got busy this weekend, and, well, good things are worth waiting for. Krans is back up and running with full internet access and the ability to peddle his prose. We’ve read it; it’s worth a read. — ONE
Wondering what Krans dug up for this week’s sacrificial offering to the lords of blade bloggery? Well, dig into the new, and congratulate Brian for keeping this up for four months… with many more installments to come. We think this week’s high water mark is the letter to David Sizemore… — ONE
Another week and another WEB ROLL. Busy entertaining some friends from Iowa in SF for a little visit, Krans found time to cobble together a quick look at some of the trending blade topics that caught his attention. Give it a look, and let this screen grab of Montre from the WRS trailer motivate you along the way. — ONE
There’s a lot of finger pointing going on this week, well, at least in the TruTV video we’ve got for you, along with a look at the Supergirl Jam, NYC’s Last Man Standing, Ashley Peterson’s latest edit, and some controversy surrounding the announced finalists for the 2009 “Industry Awards.” See how Krans fits it all together in his latest WEB ROLL. — ONE
Sure, the big news this week was Joe Navran announcing the end of Franco Shade, which pretty much no one saw coming. But our favorite online troll, Krans, is here to add some perspective to that news, as well as sprinkling in some other bits about Der Führer and the X-Games, K2’s “new” boot, Jeff Dalnas’ b-ball prowess, and plenty more. Link, links and links — there’s plenty to keep you amused and informed in this week’s WEB ROLL. — ONE
There’s no way to do the normal WEB ROLL when such a terrible thing happened in the blade community this week.
Well, Krans must be starting to feel at home in his new home because he pulled himself up a soap box this week and decided to let us all know how he really feels. From time at Woodward West, to upstart blade blogs, to thoughts on seeding for the new generation of bladers, he’s all over the place, doing his part to bring the blade-o-sphere to you in easy-to-swallow form. And now it’s time to take your medicine… — ONE
Krans is on a roll. Now settling into his SF blade-nest with roommate Ivan Narez, submitting articles (solicited!) to WIRED, writing a column for The Examiner, and last we heard, hanging out with fellow ONE-buddy Mike Opalek on his one-night excursion in the Bay Area. Guess what we’re saying is expect more random ramblings soon. — ONE
This week, while settling in to his new home of SF, and managing to secure himself another online outlet for his blade musings, Krans found out that North Carolina bladers can get down with some McDonalds, Dalnas is a master of Savannahs, bladers in New York are on a mission, plenty of chicks are Twittering about rollerblading, and the son of god himself is a blade head. Overall a good haul. See for yourself. — ONE
Cryptic words this week from Krans: “Here she is, once again. Hopefully next week I’ll be able to find some internet connection other than my phone. Monday I’ll be flying out to SF, staying with Jose Fuentes and Chris Bjerre while Ivan and I finish searching for an apartment. At least I’ll know where to walk to when I get off the damn plane with three bags and my blades. I’ll shoot you my address if I ever get one.” Guess we’re lucky we got anything at all! — ONE
Krans is on the move — homeless, jobless, Jack Kerouac-ing it across the country; in a way, he is a portrait of America (perhaps the world). Although we expect he’s not as up-to-his-eyeballs in debt as most of the sorry sons o’ bitches out there that helped get us into this whole thing anyway, hence the confidence to just transplant as he plans to do. But that’s all besides the point, because this week there was some legitimately cool stuff going around the blade-net, and Krans distills it for you here like a batch of near-lethal jailhouse toilet wine. We don’t know how he found the time to do it, but he did. — ONE
Krans has been doing some pretty respectable trolling lately, god bless his sick and depraved soul, and this week he gets to rant, rave, and share a funny blast from blading’s more mainstream past. Now, with that out of the way, everyone wish Brian luck on his impending migration from Iowa to San Francisco. Will he be homeless and unemployed in a week? Stay tuned to find out! — ONE
Was it just us, or did anyone else have an excruciatingly difficult week? Well, while we were suffering, Brian Krans was TTLY getting his share of online blade LULZ, UGTBKs, LMAOs, and wwwWTFs. And good for him. Somebody has to do it. So in keeping with a now weekly tradition, here’s his latest batch of online rants. Surprisingly, given the recent trend, this one is the least NSFW yet. Is that an improvement? You tell us. — ONE
Whoa, if you were paying attention, this was a pretty controversial week online for rollerblading. From a douchey call-out on the Howard Stern show, to bare-all message board threads, and three prominent MN bladers cruising the scene dressed like it’s 2001, Krans had plenty of material to troll through for this week’s installment of WEB ROLL. — ONE
Wow, a week of starring at his computer screen must have rotted Krans’ brain, ’cause this week’s WEB ROLL is a little, um, loopy. Get a dose of what Brian thinks about the video ad for the USD VIII skate, the new VX summer line, vixens sewing Valos and more in this third installment of WEB ROLL, your dose of Friday frivolity to kick off the weekend. — ONE
Brian Krans is back for his second installment of WEB ROLL. A.K.A. This Week in Online Blading. Some highlights include a look at the one-sidedness of sponsor promoted “reviews”, the debate sparked by the reappearance of Josh Letona’s pants, the Euro Comp pop that just happened, and awkward things bladers say on message boards to get attention. If you were sleeping on the web this week you don’t want to miss this. — ONE
Like you, our novel-writing, crime beat-covering blader buddy Brian Krans spends a lot of time each week — heck, each day — getting his world wide web blade session on through the pixel-rendered majesty of his trusty computer. And now he’s got a reason to keep it up. Introducing WEB ROLL, a new weekly column where the week’s online blade chatter gets broken down for those without the hours to burn online. From the most ridiculous message board comments to actual interesting news, Krans will be prowling the web for the lurid details of real blade culture. After all, in this day and age, you are what you post. — ONE
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